Grandma,
I wish I could talk 2 u,
Wish u were here,
Wish u had Ur tissue out 2 wipe away Ur baby's tears,
Wish that I could see u,
And u could hug me,
Help me thru these struggles,
Tell me that u love me,
U were the one place I felt the safest,
Cuz u were there for me,
An unconditional basis,
Sometimes when I'm all alone,
I remember when,
U would hold me on Ur lap,
While we were listening,
To old Conway Twitty and Loretta songs,
I can still feel Ur presence every time I turn em on,
I don't know why God needed u more than I did,
But I can still see u every time I close my eyelids,
U woulda protected me from everything I went thru when I was a kid,
U woulda loved my baby sister,
As much as I do,
U woulda kept me away from everyone that ever lied to,
U were the glue that held our family together,
Now everybody got their own families.
We see each other hardly ever,
I think about u every holiday and birthday,
I hope u know that I miss u in the worst way,
Just wanted 2 send a few words up,
2 let ya know that I'm missin u so much,
What I wouldn't give to turn back the hands of time,
Tell God he couldn't have u yet,
Cuz u were mine!
It wasn't Ur time,
There was so much left 4 u to show,
If I could spend that last day with u,
I'd hold on and never let u go,
These tears that are falling from my eyes are falling outta love,
What I wouldn't give if I could just get one more hug,
I miss u..
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
Pinocchio
I'm not Ur puppet,
I cut the strings,
I'm not Ur yo-yo,
U ain't playing games with me,
There was a time,
I would have been at Ur beck and call,
Now I don't want anything from u at all,
Time to let go, time to move on,
Let me be..
U see me weak,
U keep pushing me down,
I'm at my peak,
U want to be around,
U push then u pull then u feed me Ur bull and I fall,
But this time in standing tall,
U can't have any more of me at all..
I am a real man now,
I'm not Ur Pinocchio..
I cut the strings,
I'm not Ur yo-yo,
U ain't playing games with me,
There was a time,
I would have been at Ur beck and call,
Now I don't want anything from u at all,
Time to let go, time to move on,
Let me be..
U see me weak,
U keep pushing me down,
I'm at my peak,
U want to be around,
U push then u pull then u feed me Ur bull and I fall,
But this time in standing tall,
U can't have any more of me at all..
I am a real man now,
I'm not Ur Pinocchio..
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
The Edge of Never
U help me chase away the ghosts and show me where the angels hide,
U aren't afraid 2 show the halo u keep deep inside,
With u I have no desire 2 say no,
My heart erupts like a volcano,
At just the thought of us being 2gether,
I was,
Standing on the Edge of Never,
With nothing else 2 see,
But loneliness and pain & sorrow,
Open arms welcoming me,
Had been played like a deck of cards,
Cast away like trash,
Didn't feel like I was worth,
A whole lot more than that,
Then I heard a voice whisper,
Like an echo thru the trees,
Turned around 2 see u standing there,
Looking at me,
Telling me 2 come with u,
And learn 2 smile again,
Said 2 turn around and walk away from edge,
That's when my life began again,
U help me chase away the ghosts and show me where the angels hide,
U aren't afraid 2 show the halo u keep deep inside,
With u I have no desire 2 say no,
My heart erupts like a volcano,
At just the thought of us being 2gether,
I would be remiss,
If I didn't say that I've thought about ur kiss,
A thousand times,
If I didn't say how much ur smile warms my heart and mind,
I could go on,
There's so many things 2 say,
Cuz now i'm looking 4ward 2 c,
Where this journey is going 2 lead 2day,
No apprehension,
Afraid of nothing at all,
No waiting 4 the other shoe 2 drop,
Not thinking negative at all,
cuz.. U help me chase away the ghosts,
Show me where the angels hide,
U aren't afraid 2 show the halo u keep deep inside,
With u I have no desire 2 say no,
My heart erupts like a volcano,
At just the thought of us being 2gether,
I just love this butterfly,
Down hill roller coaster feeling,
At the thought..of just being 2gether..
No More Standing on the Edge...of Never...
U aren't afraid 2 show the halo u keep deep inside,
With u I have no desire 2 say no,
My heart erupts like a volcano,
At just the thought of us being 2gether,
I was,
Standing on the Edge of Never,
With nothing else 2 see,
But loneliness and pain & sorrow,
Open arms welcoming me,
Had been played like a deck of cards,
Cast away like trash,
Didn't feel like I was worth,
A whole lot more than that,
Then I heard a voice whisper,
Like an echo thru the trees,
Turned around 2 see u standing there,
Looking at me,
Telling me 2 come with u,
And learn 2 smile again,
Said 2 turn around and walk away from edge,
That's when my life began again,
U help me chase away the ghosts and show me where the angels hide,
U aren't afraid 2 show the halo u keep deep inside,
With u I have no desire 2 say no,
My heart erupts like a volcano,
At just the thought of us being 2gether,
I would be remiss,
If I didn't say that I've thought about ur kiss,
A thousand times,
If I didn't say how much ur smile warms my heart and mind,
I could go on,
There's so many things 2 say,
Cuz now i'm looking 4ward 2 c,
Where this journey is going 2 lead 2day,
No apprehension,
Afraid of nothing at all,
No waiting 4 the other shoe 2 drop,
Not thinking negative at all,
cuz.. U help me chase away the ghosts,
Show me where the angels hide,
U aren't afraid 2 show the halo u keep deep inside,
With u I have no desire 2 say no,
My heart erupts like a volcano,
At just the thought of us being 2gether,
I just love this butterfly,
Down hill roller coaster feeling,
At the thought..of just being 2gether..
No More Standing on the Edge...of Never...
Thursday, January 10, 2013
#FindingNormal
Each day begins anew,
It's nothing like the world that I knew,
Look up and the sky is a little more blue,
Each second is a lil easier 2 get thru,
Never thought I'd make it this far,
Never knew how strong I was deep inside,
Was always told that I couldn't do it,
I'm learning now, somebody lied,
Cuz I'm finally finding normal
Smiles are more prevalent than before,
I tend to laugh a whole lot more,
Excited at what life has in store,
I'm seeing healing where I once saw tore,
Never knew I'd make it this far,
Never knew I was so strong deep inside,
Was always told I couldn't do it,
I'm learning now, somebody lied,
Cuz I'm finally finding normal
Even if you don't,
I kinda like me,
I know I'm a good person,
With a lot to offer,
And I just needed to look within myself,
2 find the strength 2 make it by myself,
Never thought I'd make it this far,
Never knew I was so strong deep inside,
Was always told I couldn't do it,
I'm learning now that somebody lied,
Cuz I'm finally finding
Normal
It's nothing like the world that I knew,
Look up and the sky is a little more blue,
Each second is a lil easier 2 get thru,
Never thought I'd make it this far,
Never knew how strong I was deep inside,
Was always told that I couldn't do it,
I'm learning now, somebody lied,
Cuz I'm finally finding normal
Smiles are more prevalent than before,
I tend to laugh a whole lot more,
Excited at what life has in store,
I'm seeing healing where I once saw tore,
Never knew I'd make it this far,
Never knew I was so strong deep inside,
Was always told I couldn't do it,
I'm learning now, somebody lied,
Cuz I'm finally finding normal
Even if you don't,
I kinda like me,
I know I'm a good person,
With a lot to offer,
And I just needed to look within myself,
2 find the strength 2 make it by myself,
Never thought I'd make it this far,
Never knew I was so strong deep inside,
Was always told I couldn't do it,
I'm learning now that somebody lied,
Cuz I'm finally finding
Normal
Who Never Lied
Many things can be written
many more will be said
people will come in2 Ur life/just to get into Ur head
but when u think of me
u will remember I
was different from the others cuz I
was the man that never lied...
i was the man that never hurt u
the man who always cared
the man who did things for u
the man who was always there
the man who could always make u smile
the man who never made u cry
the man who looked u in the eye
the man who never lied...
some will let u give
all they can take
some will only be around
to see how hard Ur heart can break
some will use Ur tears against u
some will say hello, then turn around and say goodbye
but when u think of me
I'll be
the man who never lied
the man who didn't make u feel like u were parenting a little boy
the man who's only gave u tears, and those were tears of joy,
the man who handed out kisses and hugs to only u and not all of Ur friends
the man who believes this doesn't have to ever end
the man who knows all too well the difference between real and pretend
the man who's heart is genuine inside
the man who kisses the top of Ur princess wrist and the man..
The man who never lied..
many more will be said
people will come in2 Ur life/just to get into Ur head
but when u think of me
u will remember I
was different from the others cuz I
was the man that never lied...
i was the man that never hurt u
the man who always cared
the man who did things for u
the man who was always there
the man who could always make u smile
the man who never made u cry
the man who looked u in the eye
the man who never lied...
some will let u give
all they can take
some will only be around
to see how hard Ur heart can break
some will use Ur tears against u
some will say hello, then turn around and say goodbye
but when u think of me
I'll be
the man who never lied
the man who didn't make u feel like u were parenting a little boy
the man who's only gave u tears, and those were tears of joy,
the man who handed out kisses and hugs to only u and not all of Ur friends
the man who believes this doesn't have to ever end
the man who knows all too well the difference between real and pretend
the man who's heart is genuine inside
the man who kisses the top of Ur princess wrist and the man..
The man who never lied..
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
"buried hot showers"
as I journey on thru therapy regarding my C-PTSD there are memories that I found that have been placed in a safe place to keep myself from remembering. There are things so horrific that happened during the 4 years of terror, that my mind and soul just felt I couldn't handle dealing with. I'm going to share just a couple of these, that didn't make my autobiography "Nevermind the Ugly 1".
There was an afternoon, I think it was a Sunday, where Pat & Johnny had beaten me and "used" me over a long period of time, to the point that I had become angry and physically hurt enough to muster up some courage. I resisted their demand, which set Johnny into an immediate rage. Johnny had me come outside in the back yard, where there was a blue tarp on the ground, and a box. I'm going to assume the box was a deep freezer box, or something of that sort. I was told to get into the box. I did. Johnny proceeded to fold the tops of the box into each other to close it. I felt him pushing the box and it slid across the yard. Johnny told me.. "no one gives a shit about you, you little motherfucker and you will do what I say when I say or I can and will make you disappear!" "no one will come looking for you either, because the only 2 people who could give a shit less about you, are in jail!" with that, I felt him push again and there was a drop. I then saw the dirt hit the top of the box and come in where I was sitting. Several minutes went by as the dirt kept filling the box and I thought I was going to die. Johnny suddenly stopped and told me to get out. When I pushed open the top of the box, I saw his intent. The box was in a hole he dug in the yard and that's what the blue tarp was covering. I was told that the next time I disobey, I would be in that box forever!... I never disobeyed again. I was told I would die, and I believed it.
There was another time, where I was pulled from the hall closet(where I was forced to spend the majority of my time), and thrown into the shower. Johnny had the water on so hot that it was unbearable to the skin. Johnny made me stand in the water until I fell. I then sat in the shower as the scolding water hit my skin for several minutes. When the water was turned off and I was allowed to get out of the shower, I couldn't walk. My skin felt like it had been boiled off of the bone. I could barely breathe and once it was determined that I wasn't going to be of any use to them in that condition, I was forced back into the closet. To this day, I keep my water lukewarm, and not hot. I can't stand the Hot water touching me at all.
That's just 2 of the memories that are flooding back into my mind and as I move forward on this quest for peace, there will be more to deal with and more to remember. 4 years is a lot of time to cover, and i'm afraid that in order to find peace, I must uncover as much as possible to get it out of my system.
peace... It's just around the corner
There was an afternoon, I think it was a Sunday, where Pat & Johnny had beaten me and "used" me over a long period of time, to the point that I had become angry and physically hurt enough to muster up some courage. I resisted their demand, which set Johnny into an immediate rage. Johnny had me come outside in the back yard, where there was a blue tarp on the ground, and a box. I'm going to assume the box was a deep freezer box, or something of that sort. I was told to get into the box. I did. Johnny proceeded to fold the tops of the box into each other to close it. I felt him pushing the box and it slid across the yard. Johnny told me.. "no one gives a shit about you, you little motherfucker and you will do what I say when I say or I can and will make you disappear!" "no one will come looking for you either, because the only 2 people who could give a shit less about you, are in jail!" with that, I felt him push again and there was a drop. I then saw the dirt hit the top of the box and come in where I was sitting. Several minutes went by as the dirt kept filling the box and I thought I was going to die. Johnny suddenly stopped and told me to get out. When I pushed open the top of the box, I saw his intent. The box was in a hole he dug in the yard and that's what the blue tarp was covering. I was told that the next time I disobey, I would be in that box forever!... I never disobeyed again. I was told I would die, and I believed it.
There was another time, where I was pulled from the hall closet(where I was forced to spend the majority of my time), and thrown into the shower. Johnny had the water on so hot that it was unbearable to the skin. Johnny made me stand in the water until I fell. I then sat in the shower as the scolding water hit my skin for several minutes. When the water was turned off and I was allowed to get out of the shower, I couldn't walk. My skin felt like it had been boiled off of the bone. I could barely breathe and once it was determined that I wasn't going to be of any use to them in that condition, I was forced back into the closet. To this day, I keep my water lukewarm, and not hot. I can't stand the Hot water touching me at all.
That's just 2 of the memories that are flooding back into my mind and as I move forward on this quest for peace, there will be more to deal with and more to remember. 4 years is a lot of time to cover, and i'm afraid that in order to find peace, I must uncover as much as possible to get it out of my system.
peace... It's just around the corner
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
The Way U Lie
Why'd u have to go away,
Why did u have 2 leave,
Was it cuz I'm not a superman like Christopher reeves?
I couldn't see,
All of the things u were doin to me,
Chasing after other men,
All the while talking shit,
Never telling what u did to ruin this relationship,
Other men on the side,
Laughed in my face while I cried,
Didn't give a fuck if I lived or died,
But I stayed anyway cuz I love the way u lied,
How I tried,
To push out the thoughts and realizations,
That u was playin,
To get what u wanted out of the situation,
And when it was fruitful,
U packed Ur shit and walked out,
Ran off with another man,
And to our friends u came out,
Smelling just like a rose,
While u painted me the bad guy,
Lost a lot of people along the way,
Because of Ur lies,
And I vowed to keep my mouth shut,
But I'm the only one who's losing keeping my fucking mouth shut,
What the fuck,
Did I ever do?
Why did I deserve to put up with this all,
From this clever u,
Everyone was a liar to me in this world,
But never u,
Guess my fantasy of a perfect u was never true,
Accused me of things I'd never do,
Just to serve Ur own purpose,
I'm less than worth it,
This whole scenario is worthless,
And I'm out with a vengeance,
This is my final goodbye,
Let that other guy,
Smile aimlessly and love the way u lie..
U lie
Why did u have 2 leave,
Was it cuz I'm not a superman like Christopher reeves?
I couldn't see,
All of the things u were doin to me,
Chasing after other men,
All the while talking shit,
Never telling what u did to ruin this relationship,
Other men on the side,
Laughed in my face while I cried,
Didn't give a fuck if I lived or died,
But I stayed anyway cuz I love the way u lied,
How I tried,
To push out the thoughts and realizations,
That u was playin,
To get what u wanted out of the situation,
And when it was fruitful,
U packed Ur shit and walked out,
Ran off with another man,
And to our friends u came out,
Smelling just like a rose,
While u painted me the bad guy,
Lost a lot of people along the way,
Because of Ur lies,
And I vowed to keep my mouth shut,
But I'm the only one who's losing keeping my fucking mouth shut,
What the fuck,
Did I ever do?
Why did I deserve to put up with this all,
From this clever u,
Everyone was a liar to me in this world,
But never u,
Guess my fantasy of a perfect u was never true,
Accused me of things I'd never do,
Just to serve Ur own purpose,
I'm less than worth it,
This whole scenario is worthless,
And I'm out with a vengeance,
This is my final goodbye,
Let that other guy,
Smile aimlessly and love the way u lie..
U lie
Monday, January 7, 2013
My Last Name
U can have the tvs,
U can have the car,
U can have the clothes.
What's left of the cash & credit cards,
U can have the dog,
I'll take all the blame,
U can keep the rings,
Give me back my last name,
U don't deserve to wear it,
U don't deserve to claim.
Anything close to my heart,
That's where u will never be again.
So take all the material,
The things that sparkle and shine,
But I'll take back my last name,
That's the one thing that's all mine,
Maybe my dignity will come back in time,
My heart one day will mend,
If u wanna different identity,
Take it from Ur new man,
U know the one u were seeing,
When u were fooling me,
When u were saying u were still in love,
But just wanted my money,
If he can give u this and that,
And he can make Ur dreams come true,
He can give u everything,
I ain't got nothing more for u,
I am no longer Ur real estate,
U no longer have any ties,
I want my name to mean something,
Other than a life time of lies,
Other than hurt and pain,
Other than what u put me thru,
Once u give it back,
I'll say good bye to u,
Adios & u can make Ur way.
Do whatever u wanna do,
It'll all be okay,
I've got no time for players,
I'm not interested in games,
Not interested in being Ur pawn,
All I want from u now is;
My last name
U can have the car,
U can have the clothes.
What's left of the cash & credit cards,
U can have the dog,
I'll take all the blame,
U can keep the rings,
Give me back my last name,
U don't deserve to wear it,
U don't deserve to claim.
Anything close to my heart,
That's where u will never be again.
So take all the material,
The things that sparkle and shine,
But I'll take back my last name,
That's the one thing that's all mine,
Maybe my dignity will come back in time,
My heart one day will mend,
If u wanna different identity,
Take it from Ur new man,
U know the one u were seeing,
When u were fooling me,
When u were saying u were still in love,
But just wanted my money,
If he can give u this and that,
And he can make Ur dreams come true,
He can give u everything,
I ain't got nothing more for u,
I am no longer Ur real estate,
U no longer have any ties,
I want my name to mean something,
Other than a life time of lies,
Other than hurt and pain,
Other than what u put me thru,
Once u give it back,
I'll say good bye to u,
Adios & u can make Ur way.
Do whatever u wanna do,
It'll all be okay,
I've got no time for players,
I'm not interested in games,
Not interested in being Ur pawn,
All I want from u now is;
My last name
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Better
Another one from my friend Jeanie..
Never let someone who doesn't see your worth blind you from someone who does
....and understand that while most of us want someone who challenges us to be better people,
we also need someone who isn't looking for their own version of "better"
....but helping us find ours.
seriously, I needed to see something like this today..
i'm getting inspired to come with some heat for 2013.. till I get the right words formed, tho, I will be featuring Jeanie's material, as well as anyone who wants to contribute..
Madd
Never let someone who doesn't see your worth blind you from someone who does
....and understand that while most of us want someone who challenges us to be better people,
we also need someone who isn't looking for their own version of "better"
....but helping us find ours.
seriously, I needed to see something like this today..
i'm getting inspired to come with some heat for 2013.. till I get the right words formed, tho, I will be featuring Jeanie's material, as well as anyone who wants to contribute..
Madd
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
First Edition
First Post of 2013 is courtesy of my good friend, Jeanie. She composed this piece a while back, but just shared it with me tonight, and I thought it deserved to be shared with all of u.
I want to be your favorite book.
I want you to run your fingers and hands over my pages,
memorizing every line.....
and while other people will never take the time to read me,
I want you to never put me on a shelf where I can be forgotten.
I'm a first edition,
first printing,
and a rare find.....
for I am the only one in existence.
And yes,
I belong to you.
hope u all love it as much as I did.. there will be more to come from myself as well as more features as they come my way.
Thanks Jeanie!!!
Madd
I want to be your favorite book.
I want you to run your fingers and hands over my pages,
memorizing every line.....
and while other people will never take the time to read me,
I want you to never put me on a shelf where I can be forgotten.
I'm a first edition,
first printing,
and a rare find.....
for I am the only one in existence.
And yes,
I belong to you.
hope u all love it as much as I did.. there will be more to come from myself as well as more features as they come my way.
Thanks Jeanie!!!
Madd
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